The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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