I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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