Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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