The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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