we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
