Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
