I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
