She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize