just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
