I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
