I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
