so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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