As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
