i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
