not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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