i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Terrible idea I love it
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
