i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled if crying burns calories
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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