I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
