420 ftw
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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