Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
