Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
