Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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