you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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