We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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