I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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