Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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