My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
