we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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