Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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