if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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