I just threw up on my dentist
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
