I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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