That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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