so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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