He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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