I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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