So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
