I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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