Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
