I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She's JV to your varsity
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
