fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
