I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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