I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
