I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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