Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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