I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
