"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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