I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
