Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
