I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
