turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
