I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize