i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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