My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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