I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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