My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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