drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
