On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
