it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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